Letters

Dear Target,

I hate you.

What's up with you always being out of the items I want or need? Cat food. Black cotton socks. Nutrigrain waffles. Organic 1% milk. Corn Flakes. Furnace Filter. Frozen mixed vegetables.

Get it together or I'm gone.

Martha



Dear Guy at our Arkansas office,

Sorry I walked into the men's bathroom while you were peeing.

I don't know where my head was....I really don't. I mean, I was heading straight toward the ladies bathroom and then took that fateful right turn into the men's. What was I thinking?? I don't know. My bad.

Nice shirt, though.

My apologies,
Martha

p.s. I totally changed out of my shocking pink sweater and into my white jacket after that....so you wouldn't recognize me. Did it work?



Dear Guy sitting next to me on the flight to Atlanta,

How nice were you?? Thanks for all of your help at the airport. Not many people will go out ieof their way to show us to the gate we needed. Especially at 10pm!
We had to run to the gate, but all 12 us made to our connecting flight. Then? after we were settled and ready to go? 10 more were let on the plane. Whew, huh?

And, yes, you were right: my luggage didn't make it with me.....
Which means that after getting in at 1 am, and then sleeping for a mere 4 hours, I had to truck it to my Mom's house and borrow her hair dryer and make-up.
And then? I used the wrong makeup brush and ended up with bronzer all over my face instead of the BareMinerals foundation I was using. So my FACE looked like it had been to the Caribbean? But my NECK looked like I stayed in Minnesota.

Good times.

Thanks again!!
Love,
Mart

Letters

Dear Guy On The Plane,

Wow - seriously? 3 Jack and Cokes in a row at 9am?

Hey - I've been known to get my "drink on" once in a while. And believe you me - I'm not exactly subtle when I do it. Sometimes it involves a night worshipping the porcelain God.

But typically?

I'm at a party.

With people.

Socializing - you know.

Not on my way to a business meeting across the country and drinking myself into a stupor in First Class.

Alone.

Well - you weren't totally alone. I was sitting there right behind you judging you.

Good luck and I'm here if you need me,
Martha





Dear Guy at the Airport,

Wow. Really? How do I explain you to my friends in blogland?

Okay. First of all - I didn't even see you. My co-worker Scott did. He was so excited to point you out to me that I think he broke out into an actual jog to meet me when he saw me come down the concourse to our gate.

First, he explained that he saw you at the security checkpoint.

With your pants completely unfastened.

I think that tipped him off to keep on watching that freak show you've got goin' on there. Scott doesn't normally use the word 'flamboyant'? But it really seemed to be the right fit when describing you, because you are no shrinking violet - oh no you aren't.

And - that HAIR! How do you do that? It's like Richard Simmons on acid! You can't just wake up like that - you have to be working at that look. That's an achievement, you know what I'm sayin'? Good work on the hot pink noise cancelling headphones, too. I can't think of a better way to top it all off up there, buddy.

How about that belly shirt? Dude.....not okay. I mean, where do you even get one of those? It was all wrong with the pants. But when you took the pants off to reveal the shorts, it really seemed to pull it all together. Good for you.

Except it's, like, 10 degrees here. So........yyeeah. Maybe shoulda kept the pants on.

Hey - keep on keepin' on, mister.
Martha

Fa-la-freakin'-la...

Dear Mommy at American Girl Place,

You have the cutest little toddler in the world. Really. I could've watched her push her little Bitty Baby stroller around the store all day long. Adorable.

However, you may want to re-think the timing of your outing. Because the holiday season at a gifty store like American Girl Place - less than a week before Christmas - to let your toddler push her dolly stroller? Not good.

Especially because I have a history of trampling toddlers. It's not something I'm proud of. (See January 29th 2008 post.)

Happy Holidays,
Martha



Dear Worker at the Lands' End Inlet,

I'm sorry I lied to you about needing two gift boxes for the polar fleece tops I purchased. I think we both knew that one of those tops was for me. I saw the way you looked me up and down in the polar fleece top and pants I was sportin'. You knew, but you didn't make me feel bad at all. Well played, my friend. Well. Played.

And I'm really sorry that I was making fun of your affected accent and lisp in my head while I was waiting in line. Because you were really nice and funny.

Kindest Regards and deepest apologies,
Martha




Dear Lands' End,

I love your polar fleece.

Love,
Martha





Dear Old People in the Chrysler 300's on the road Thursday,

That is a cool-lookin' ride - it is.

But I thought you all got your Holiday shopping done in June? So what are you all doing on the highway driving 35 mph in the passing lane as we're all whizzing past you on hwy 494?

Helpful hint: get some good snow tires and take the city streets.

Best,
Martha



Dear Culvers,

When I want to eat my feelings, you are always there for me.

That double scoop chocolate-vanilla waffle cone is just the ticket when I'm feeling frazzled. And who are we kidding? It's not just a double scoop - there's probably a quart of ice cream jammed into that crispy waffle cone.

Your name is on at least two of my four chins. Keep doin' what you're doin'.

Love,
Martha



Dear Guy at Michael's,

You don't belong in a craft store. You were bumping into women, tripping over your own feet and you looked very confused as you cruised the aisles looking for whatever it was you were looking for.

Just get her a gift card. You'll just end up getting her the wrong thing anyway.

xoxox,
martha



Dear Noodle's Teacher,

I can't tell you how irritated I was when we found out just this week that the kids were doing a 'Secret Snowflake' gift exchange.

Because after running around all day and still not finishing my shopping? I realized when I picked up the Noodle at the bus stop at 6:15 pm that we still needed to go to the dollar store and get gifts for her 'Secret Snowflake'.

That's how I found out the dollar store in our area had folded. So we had to go to Target's dollar spot and find some stuff.

But after watching her agonizing over what to get for her 'Snowflake', I realized (yet again) what a complete hateful witch I am. Because for four dollars, the Noodle put together a really cute little gift basket with a mini slinky, a date book and some socks. She really got into the spirit of giving and was thrilled to give this gift to little Rosa.

Even though Rosa indicated that she hates Noodle.....we're hoping that $4 gift will buy her love....wish us luck!

Oh - and I hope you like your gift. It was my first craft EVER.


Love,
Noodle's Mom