Friday, December 19, 2008


Dear Mommy at American Girl Place,

You have the cutest little toddler in the world. Really. I could've watched her push her little Bitty Baby stroller around the store all day long. Adorable.

However, you may want to re-think the timing of your outing. Because the holiday season at a gifty store like American Girl Place - less than a week before Christmas - to let your toddler push her dolly stroller? Not good.

Especially because I have a history of trampling toddlers. It's not something I'm proud of. (See January 29th 2008 post.)

Happy Holidays,

Dear Worker at the Lands' End Inlet,

I'm sorry I lied to you about needing two gift boxes for the polar fleece tops I purchased. I think we both knew that one of those tops was for me. I saw the way you looked me up and down in the polar fleece top and pants I was sportin'. You knew, but you didn't make me feel bad at all. Well played, my friend. Well. Played.

And I'm really sorry that I was making fun of your affected accent and lisp in my head while I was waiting in line. Because you were really nice and funny.

Kindest Regards and deepest apologies,

Dear Lands' End,

I love your polar fleece.


Dear Old People in the Chrysler 300's on the road Thursday,

That is a cool-lookin' ride - it is.

But I thought you all got your Holiday shopping done in June? So what are you all doing on the highway driving 35 mph in the passing lane as we're all whizzing past you on hwy 494?

Helpful hint: get some good snow tires and take the city streets.


Dear Culvers,

When I want to eat my feelings, you are always there for me.

That double scoop chocolate-vanilla waffle cone is just the ticket when I'm feeling frazzled. And who are we kidding? It's not just a double scoop - there's probably a quart of ice cream jammed into that crispy waffle cone.

Your name is on at least two of my four chins. Keep doin' what you're doin'.


Dear Guy at Michael's,

You don't belong in a craft store. You were bumping into women, tripping over your own feet and you looked very confused as you cruised the aisles looking for whatever it was you were looking for.

Just get her a gift card. You'll just end up getting her the wrong thing anyway.


Dear Noodle's Teacher,

I can't tell you how irritated I was when we found out just this week that the kids were doing a 'Secret Snowflake' gift exchange.

Because after running around all day and still not finishing my shopping? I realized when I picked up the Noodle at the bus stop at 6:15 pm that we still needed to go to the dollar store and get gifts for her 'Secret Snowflake'.

That's how I found out the dollar store in our area had folded. So we had to go to Target's dollar spot and find some stuff.

But after watching her agonizing over what to get for her 'Snowflake', I realized (yet again) what a complete hateful witch I am. Because for four dollars, the Noodle put together a really cute little gift basket with a mini slinky, a date book and some socks. She really got into the spirit of giving and was thrilled to give this gift to little Rosa.

Even though Rosa indicated that she hates Noodle.....we're hoping that $4 gift will buy her love....wish us luck!

Oh - and I hope you like your gift. It was my first craft EVER.

Noodle's Mom


Cutzi said...

You make me laugh every stinkin' time Martha! Cute, cute crafts... now... what the heck are they? Good call on the Amy Butler.

Michelle said...

I would be sooo irritated at Noodle's teacher for springing the Secret Snowflake gift exchange on you at the last minute that I wouldn't give her the clipboards. I would give them to your favorite Seattleite niece-in-law. They're adorable!

How is the Betty Crocker Indian cookbook? (I zoomed in to see your books--people's book collections are fascinating).

Kat said...

Im feeling a bit sorry for the guy in Michaels. Hoping that Noodle is feeling some love from Rosa soon.

Lisa said...

You know, Im not a sweet eater..BV eats a bowl of ice cream, a reeses ANd a coke at 9pm EVERY night. GAG!
Id much rather polish off a bag of those lays naturals chips. Ohhh,The salty goodness. No one can eat just one.
You are good Fartster, reeeeel good. You should write a book.I dont really know what about, but Id buy it, you soooo funnnnnnEeee!
Still freezin, and no school.FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR!!!!

Dawn said...

You could definitely buy me for four bucks. Heck, a guy once bought my love for a two dollar shot, but then again, this is a family blog so I will keep those memories to myself. (Probably should have already backspaced, huh.)

Love the clipboards, very martha. ;)

Suzy said...

Secret snowflake...HA! That's priceless.
Yeah, I agree with should write a book. I LOVE how I always laugh out loud when I read your posts! Thanks!

Striving Green said...

Betty Crocker's Indian Home Cooking? Really? I had no idea. I just found myself a new book to buy.

Very cute clipboards!

Jodi said...

Oh man, you make me laugh so hard.

Janelle said...'re overflowing with holiday spirit, aren't you? You crack me up!

Amy said...

Those clipboards are very crafty and I see they are casually resting on your new hutch.

I think I passed that same older couple on 494 this afternoon as I was running about. I wish I knew you were in the area...I totally would have met you for a Culver's treat!

Martha said...

Ladies -

That Betty Crocker Indian cookbook is awesome.

The guy who wrote it is local to Mpls. and I'm pretty sure he will be outrageously famous some day. I used to work with him at a cooking school. He has 2 other books that are wonderful as well. His book the Turmeric Trail documents his life growing up in India.

Cutz and Lees? So, do my PNWesters EVER get snow, or is this a total freak of nature? Have you all gotten a lot of it?

Dawn? You are HILARIOUS! Get a blog. Now I need to know that story. And I love the photo of you, too. You're a pretty,pretty girl :)

Amy? I was so filled with venom and hate that you would've 'whitewashed' me and sped away in your minivan. Seriously.

Janelle - Gol' darn it! How are you? I'm going to your blog right now!

Laurie said...

Thanks for the laugh! As a teacher, I have to say I agree it's a little late to spring the secret snowflake idea during the last week. Noodles gift reminds me of a Junie B story! I love the clipboards and it's a fabulous teacher gift. I made some for some of the para's in my room and I hope they like them too.
You got out in today's weather? I'm impressed! Tired of all this snow and wind in Mn.

Gordostyle said...

Flippin' hilarious! (As always!)

Man... I might have to try this too! I've got some VERY interesting "letters" that I could write after shopping on Friday. :o)

Holly & Jolly Smiles!

Janet said...

Happy Holidays Martha, thanks for making me laugh all year long ( and it really hasn't been a very funny year for us)!

Janet @ Housepeepers

Lisa said...

Merry Christmas Fartster...
I love ya!

coastal nest

Kim said...

HA! You say what I think :) Merry Christmas to you & the fam!


thanks for making me laugh this year! I hope you and your family have a Happy Christmas! it is going to be 34 degrees on friday! yay!

Suzy said...

Martha! I'm making your gravy right NOW! So exciting. I suck at cooking, so if this turns out, I'm going to be thrilled. Merry Christmas!

Mrs. Jones said...

Oh, Martha, you are so stinkin' funny, girl. You know, I actually think up posts like that while I'm shopping. I just never typed one up.

I'm with you on Secret Snowflake, too. I need one more thing to do.

Oh, and how about this one ...

Dear Costco shoppers,

I know the yummy snacks the Costco people hand out at the end of each aisle are so delicious and the real reason you go to Costco, but when you leave your cart smack dab in the middle of the entrance to the aisle while you wait for the tasty tidbits to cook, it makes my head explode. Do you not realize there are 4,000 other people with carts trying to get by you? Oh, yes, there are other people in the world. Wuddyaknow!


Mrs. Jones

Have a Merry Christmas!


Coastal Nest. said...


Lori E. said...

Well, this is way past the time of your post, but I am just now reading it and can relate to several things about it. You are halarious!! I am SOOOO glad all the Christmas madness is over. On to Valentines day!! aarggg

Mara Oakvik said...

That might be one of the most hilarious posts I have ever read... from anyone! You crack me up. Miss ya!

Coastal Nest. said...

siiiiiigggghhhhhhhhh.......followed by

im gettin tired of comin over here to that same old post, woman!!
you could always tell us about your car, or what kind of shampoo you use, or the time you painted zuddys toenails when he was sleepin, or that new g string you just bought.You know its okay to talk about sex now. Oprah said!!!OY..
give a girl some love!
miss ya!

Coastal Nest. said...

or some betty crocker indian cookbook recipes....

Laurie said...

I miss your posts. Hope all is well.